American Idol: Top Two and Drool

In an incredibly predictable finale like this one – viewer’s main suspense lies in what complete disaster of a song will the ‘triumphant’ winner have to sing for their coronation tune. There wasn’t much of a question of the ‘who part’ for the finale, that was pretty much a given after the top ten was decided. I’m thinking that the judge panel need more lessons in acting to pull off a more realistically none manipulated program.

It was apparent to me since almost the beginning that Crystal Bowersox was the obvious choice for winner. Problem started a few weeks back when it became day-glo neon brightly obvious that Lee Dewyze the ‘new’ favorite of Simon Cowell. That and with the American target audience of this show largely of the feminine persuasion, it’s damn hard for one of their own to pull it off anymore.

The Last Two Standing Idols get a sort of WWE entrances with Lee dashing through the crowd hand spanking the audience. Crystal has an unfortunate moment with her entrance but manages to muddle through. That made Point One for Lee on Good Entrance, Crystal, Fail.

We have to endure Lee’s odd parents deliver a glowing biographical moment discussing his childhood aspirations to be a pro baseball player, shortstop in fact. He then mumbled something about somehow ‘knowing’ even back then he was really meant to be a singer.

Crystal’s bio moment had her flashing back to finding, back in her Daddy’s closet, likely behind the latest stash of Sensimilla Red Roze, an old guitar. She was on the prowl for Christmas presents and figured that must be one of them. So began her ‘career’ in music and her singing at Malls. (Oh look, just like Taylor Hicks did in the Phillipines only then he was like, what, thirty?)

I give Crystal the win over Lee in the bio moment because she started in music doing what Taylor got to do after winning Idol and I dug her hippie Dad.

Lee performs the “The Boxer” obviously thinking he was previously quite brilliant at it. It goes much like the first time I heard it, rather mumbling, raspy but infused with spit. Camera shots were very unflattering for him, each pan at his face showed gobs of thick stringy spittle lacing the inside of his mouth like some sort of gooey spider webb. Made me quite nauseous. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen anything quite like that, in fact. I know I never want to again.

The past couple of weeks Crystal seemed somewhat complacent and not highly motivated to win this show. That or Dad was smuggling her in some of that Red Roze wonder herb before show time. She brought back the Janis Joplin and does “Me and Bobby Magee” in fine form.

First song goes to Crystal Bowersox leaving now with her 2 points and Lee 1, “ding”.

I can’t help wonder why Randy apparently dressed himself in a dark closet for the show. He’s wore a coral colored tuxedo type jacket paired with some sort of paisley fluffy silk shirt. It’s a mad, mad combination that truly needed a red rubber nose attachment. The red clown nose would have at least made his rambling, nonsensical commentary more interesting.

Next spittle face (Lee) tried to kill my ears warbling out his imitation of REM with “Everybody Hurts.” Completely clueless as to what the tune and melody should be, he was quite terrible. Forget any emotion, forget any fucking direction for the song, REM likely laughing their asses off if they heard him. It was a big groaning moment but I was spared having to look at tons of string spit – one good thing about the song. The judges say things, I don’t take notes.

Crystal sang “Black Velvet”, but wore a mistake of a black gown completely wrong for her full figure. The dress was so tight around her thighs she appeared to waddle down those stage stairs, it also made her ass look three feet wide. Her delivery of the song was near to perfect and unlike Lee, she never has copious amounts of spittle in her mouth as she sings. Therefore, score another in the “V” column for Crystal. The guitarist does a fine job, I must add.

Expecting some sort of drivel-riddled song about going so far or unicorns and rainbows, instead Lee is allowed to sing U2’s “Beautiful Day”. You know, the one that our current President used ad nauseum in his campaign for the position he’s failing miserably at in the Oval office.

Someplace out there Bono must have been cringing at the not even good enough for a karaoke performance Lee brought the song. It’s boring and lacking in any emotion. You know, the way Lee usually sings songs…

Kara, the hopefully in her last season as judge, loves it and comments on his ‘commercial voice’. I’m thinking commercial as in an example of how “how not to sing” U2. Forget the other judges, I made no notes here either.

Crystal performs “Up To The Mountain”, a blues-gospel type dirge but better than any of the other season’s pathetic coronation songs anyone has had to sing. (“Do I Make You Proud” comes to mind.) Sadly this tune is more in-step with past coronation songs complete with mountains, valleys and glory notes. That said, Crystal still wins this round.

We get entreatied at this point with some bloke from the U.K., Will Young, whom I guess won that country’s karaoke show with season nine flash backs of contestants I’ve already forgotten. Is that the song we’ve heard all season?

I thought more attention might be provided Cowell, being his last time to judge but I guess tomorrow night’s megathon of suck will have him sharing the limelight with the hapless Idol ‘winner’. He did at least show up wearing a jacket. Still no word on his replacement but I am crossing my fingers for Harry Connick, Jr.

So, as far as I’m thinking, it’s Lee one, Crystal four. American tweens and housewife fans will have the final say so we’ll just have to stay tuned. Dial Idol has Lee handily winning this thing and with the VFTW cotillion promising to cast their votes, it’s a matter of hours until we find out. See you tonight, bring wine and Jack Daniels if you have it.