American Idol: Heroes are Coated in Teflon

April 1, 2010

I had to rewatch the show again this morning because I was so hysterically transfixed last night from the a.)Clash of the Titans ludicrous opening and b.) VFTW Teflon Tim Urban continuing to smile his charming and lovely grin in the face of adversity.

Seriously talk about product placement and paying the bills, utilizing the upcoming 3-D spectacular (that I will have to see) as a comparison to this season’s contestants on American Idol a study in opposites. Considering this season’s offering of contestants, most of whom lack stage appeal, not much going on in the way of anything of Titan caliber. Granted there are a few contestants that exhibit singing capability and talent but there is nothing “Titan”-like in this season with the exception of Teflon Tim Urban perhaps. It was entertaining to see Simon Cowell being compared to the Kracken. Hey, I’ve got to find entertainment where I can with this season.

Ruben Studdard was there to promote he and Clay Aiken’s upcoming tour for anyone who still remembers them from seven years back. He’s either been Jenny Craig’ed or the suit was just two sizes too large.

The requisite weekly Ford commercial had the contestants “Kung Foo Fighting” with Casey James walking coolly among the kicking, dancing ‘kung foo’ fighters. James then drives off knocking Big Mike Lynche’s ninja guy out of the way. On VFTW this was found ironic considering James’ past history with DUI’s. Clueless go they, the show’s producers.

The contestants are unfortunately provided time to talk about their time on the show and what they’re planning or learning as the weeks progress. Lee Dewyze and Casey James, neither guy could string two words together to create any sort of communicable coherent thoughts much less muster up an entire sentence. “Cupcake”, 16- year old Aaron was embarrassed beyond what should be proper considering he’s a minor, to be caught between Ryan and Simon’s homoerotic banter. To top that awkward sharing, RandytheBobo tries to explain “love” to Cupcake as something akin to how he might feel toward his parents only ‘twisted’. Siobhan’s shot at communication basically amounted to explaining that she IS a human being. Katie seemed to be confident that she’s perfectly safe. I think that Ryan is truly underestimated in the difficulty of his job in making this show interesting. He attempts to engage the judges, but sadly they are not much more verbose than the contestants.

Teen sensation, Justin Beiber is in attendance to show his support for Usher, whom, apparently has been his ‘mentor’ in the music industry. With auto-tuner in full evidence and overused back lighting Usher comes down the Idol steps performing one of the most idiotic songs I’ve ever heard. I think this sort of music and the mindset that thinks this is great entertainment the weapon being utilized in the dumbing down of humanity as a whole. The lyrics, “baby how you do dat make a grown man cry… sexy.. O O O” .

After enduring Usher and Will.I.Am’s turd of a performance viewers were treated again to the eliminations. Didi Benami gets up and babbles incoherently, batting her lashes at Ryan. She gets introduced to the bottom three stools. Michael Lynche who is continuously being mistaken as a muscle bound guy who really is quite fat is called “Tiny Mike” by Ellen. He then gets the teaser of almost walking to the stools, then lifts Ryan end over ass for messing with him. Ryan is quite breathless – I think they both enjoyed that special moment.

Crystal of course was safe, no need to talk about her further. Then it’s Teflon Tim’s turn to be confronted by the judges. Kara decides it’s her role to address Tim and his attitude largely due to his smiling and laughing at her critique of him the night before.

Apparently the only thing Kara can consider is Teflon Tim is too mentally deficient to comprehend what is being said to him. Kara winds up appearing to be the mentally deficient one as she’s at a loss for words following Tim’s response.

This is the main factor that is making me love this guy more as the weeks progress; his ability to keep smiling no matter how badly the judges try to knock it off his face. Teflon Tim’s response to Kara’s ill-mannered question, while maintaining a smile, “I get what you’re saying, every time I step onto that stage, I know it’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. And why spoil a great opportunity like that by getting depressed?”

This scenario displayed a few things about the show. One, Tim Urban is seemingly one of the only contestants able to string words together to formulate complete and coherent sentences, two, Tim Urban completely comprehends and embraces the power of positive thought, and three, if it wasn’t obvious before, the judges roles are to manipulate and coerce the viewing audience and four, Kara Dioguardi completely is underestimating this guy.

Katie goes back to the contestant herd leaving Didi and Teflon Tim. We’re put on hold as P.Diddy Dirty Money is up next. Yep. That was his name introduction. The dreaded reappearance of the autotuner looms nigh. Little did I know that this next performance would nearly put me into a seizure. Diddy or whatever the hell his name is rips off Kanye West’s “Good Morning” tune with autotuner full out, inappropriate use of sunglasses, prancing about in steam and flashing lights. Some sort of odd statement must have been being made with almost everyone dressed in white except this thick Elvira of a gal wearing all black that he danced with – then it hits. Strobe lights. This beat the Usher tune for complete ridiculousness. Lyrics, “you know, you know, you know… hello good morning”. I must say Kanye West’s Good Morning tune much, much better, but that’s not a ringing endorsement.

After my ears stopped bleeding and my eyes recovered the final results began. Shocker for most people watching, Didi Benami is evicted from the show. She picks “Rhiannon” as it was one of her better performances to sing for the save. She has an interesting sounding voice but she’s a complete niche artist. Her type of vocals don’t translate well into every genre. While she’s singing it’s obvious the judges are not even really talking about her.

So Vote for the Worst darling and one of the only contestants besides Sanjaya Malakar that has consistently smiled in the face of adversity carries on to sing another week. Texas’ own, Teflon Tim Urban, the apparent object of many a tween girl’s affection (think Justin Beiber) slides safely back to the seats to remain to compete next week making him the longest running VFTW pick in the history of that website. One more thing, perhaps Tim Urban not the most technically proficient singer to ever show up on the American Idol stage but he’s certainly one of the most likeable, possibly most intelligent contestants in my recollection.

Tim Urban, original song:

So with that, off and away, Texan Teflon Tim Urban, my hope is that you slide into the Lennon McCartney week to once again succeed with your smiling, positive attitude.

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