American Idol 9: Sideshow Bob and Katy Perry Doesn’t Kiss a Girl

This week’s first episode moderately better than both last week’s offerings. Reason for that, were the contestants better singers? No. Katy Perry is the reason, Russell Brand you evil genius. There was another guest judge last night, Avril Lavigne, but outside her horny hoodie she may not have been there at all.

First contestant of the night was the hapless and clueless Neil Goldstein. He’s the first contestant I’ve ever seen who has hair that changes length film clip to film clip. Perhaps Neil is like one of those dolls whom you pull the hair out from their head to lengthen it or roll it back in to shorten it? He was just a bit on the sexually ambiguous side; not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Poor confused, conflicted and very sweaty Neil, he alone really liked the way he sounded. He put up a determined front insisting, utilizing some misplaced sort of Zen/Buddist borrowing mumbo-jumbo that he’s not leaving; his belief you create your own reality and his reality has him winning this reality show.

Reality check Neil, there is no Hope and your dreams dashed, you are not going to go any further. At least the show did not have to tazer him or haul him out in cuffs.

Of course an Idol audition show would not be complete without church pastors. Jim Ranger paraded his religion, his wife and three cute tots in his bid for America's easily swayed heart. What was it last night with the vests? Crissy Goldstein wore one and Pastor Pop had one on as well. I suppose that 's the next big thing with men, bring back the vest and pocket watches will follow. He made the unfortunate decision to pimp out his own song, "Drive". Apparently some sort of ode to his wife, something about singing to the radio, hair blowing in the wind. blah. He's put through, but trust me people, he won't go much farther. The Fundies would have loved him.

Damien Lefavor failed at doing a Righteous Brothers tune, he wailed like a cat who had his tail stood on. He was awkward, his entire schtick seemed like something staged, surreal. He lost that Loving Feeling but my feeling, or course, he never had it.

Following Lafavor’s fall from favor, Pat Benatar wanna be, Mary Powers who brought her 8 yr old daughter along to smooze Simon. The kid apparently a Big Fan of the man. Mary’s a rocker chick and wanted no one to make any mistake about it, her outfit straight off the racks from Hot Topic. The show put up an Adam Lambert montage in an attempt to tease the viewers into comparing Mary to Adam but likely the only thing they have in common, the dyed black hair. Her kid was very cute.

AJ Mendoza had at one point, submitted some music for Adam Lambert to listen to and review. Because Lambert supposedly gave him some positive commentaries he believed he had a shot at this show. He thought he could sing Living Color’s “Cult of Personality”, but proceeded to squeeze the song out through his teeth in a completely ridiculous way. Simon commented that Mendoza managed to sound as if he’s just left a dentist’s office still suffering from anesthetic. Well at least he left quietly, retaining a small amount of dignity.

Austin Fullmer was completely delusional, imagining he’s somehow attractive and sexually charged. He’s a skinny odd dude, from his poses and grimaces came across as having some sort of Mick Jagger ideal in his mind. He freaks out Simon and it’s a thumbs down all around. Over-inflated sense of self in tact he spouts off to the camera men some nonsense about bringing the ‘real man’ and Simon could not handle it.

Time for The Kinks’ tune, “I Want You to Want Me” and one of those Idol montages with contestants in hysterics, tears, bawling and squalling. One contestant, whom intitially I thought merely an Ashley Ferl look alike, turns out it seems it possibly the real Ashley, showed up and once again spouted tears for the show, this time not for Sanjaya but apparently for herself. Tragic.

Danny Gokey 2.0 featured next – his name, Andrew Garcia. He’s Hokey Gokey all over again from the goggles, the hats, the crying and bawling family. His father carried on emotionally for what seemed like 20 minutes about the gang lifestyle he took his kids out of for their benefit. Andrew is just quite thankful he did not have to “grow up dead”. Let me just say, once a gangbanger always a gangbanger, they don’t let you just walk.

I’ll dish, Andrew Danny-Gokey-en-espanol Garcia goes to top 24.

Apparently ProActiv the new sponsor of Idol and Katy Perry fearlessly showed off her bumpy yet make-up covered pre-Proactiv zits.

Another pastor of some sort, Tasha Layton, she sings Joss Stone’s “Baby Baby, Baby”. yawn.

Finally some fun comes a calling with super freak Jason Greene, a 21 yr old student. Had me wondering if perhaps he might have been a VFTW plant, Jason was almost too off the wall to be real. He prances, he eye-flirts, he flaunts and he sings “I Touch Myself” while slithering around. He even made a pass at Simon, then called Katy Perry ‘dirty’ for her low cut top. Best thing, he exited and handed Ryan his phone contact in a folded piece of paper. Ry passed the paper to a burly body guard looking guy who gave a nice leering smile and knowing nod to the cameraman.
He believes in magic:

Katy Perry’s tune “Hot and Cold” song segued into a montage of rejects culminating with Perry threatening to toss her Coke on Kara and telling Kara the panel should not let contestants through because of a sad story. It was just faux cat fighting but I do love Katy more for it, at the very least she was lovely and very entertaining.

Final (sob) story of the night, FosterCareKid. Chris GoLightly, sported a Justin Guarini/Sideshow Bob hairdo and a sob story that the innocent Idol viewers should eat up like good cake. He tries to have you think he’s been completely unloved all his life, no birthdays, no Christmases meanwhile bouncing around about 25 foster families.
He just wants someone to stand by him… but “it’s not a Lifetime movie” ~ Katy Perry :

If this true a sad commentary on either the Foster care system or this kid’s real life personna. Spoiler, he does make it to the top 24. Somehow though this sad sob story will eventually unfold and we’ll find out the real deal behind Chris.

Something special just for you dear readers, “Happiness” by Kara DioGuardi.

Yes, Kara has that sort of psychodelic thing going on doesn’t she? Stab me.

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2 Responses to American Idol 9: Sideshow Bob and Katy Perry Doesn’t Kiss a Girl

  1. rosie says:

    Sunny I’ve been enjoying your recaps. Make sure you check out the Top Idol gal.

  2. Sunny says:

    Yeah I read her, have for past few seasons. She’s a worster through and through. lol

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