Last night, as Everyone in the World knew (at least those equipped with a television and the FOX affiliates) the kick-off night for the ninth season of karoake contest extraordinaire, American Idol. First city visited by Simon Cowell and his entourage, Boston, now to be known for so many contestants being either brutally horrible or brutally boring.
One of the more entertaining contestants, on camera, and I am reaching here, American Idol Gamer Girl (Janet McNamara). She tragically believed playing the A.I. video game some sort of training and validation that she has what it takes to ‘win’ this show – in Real Life. Likely this could lead into a look at how playing too many video games can warp a person’s reality but that’s for another blog topic. Anyway as she departs she rather mannishly shakes Ryan’s hand, then inadvertently pops her accompanying friend upside the head. Delightful.
Next up, time for a nice little sincere story. Sixteen year old Maddie Curtis’ tale involves how her brother has Downs and then her parents apparently began adopting other babies with Downs. She’s a sweet girl whom has watched the show since she was eight years old. She sings Leonard Cohen’s “Halleluiah”, as my eleven year old interjected, “Like one of the voices behind Disney princesses, you know like Ariel or something”. Really pretty spot on. Immediately I flashed to animated Ariel sitting on a chunk of coral serenading her yellow fish.
(My kid and I have a pact that we must watch this show together. I’m sure one day, when she’s all grown up, she’ll make a fortune off of a book that will make folks think Joan Crawford really not that bad a Mom afterall.)
Loud annoying guy named Patrick is up next; he has an assemblage of people with him, wearing his ‘team’ colors apparently. They’re all dressed in bright blue and he wears a striped shirt in that same shade of blue with white stripes. He prances about singing Britney Spears, “Womanizer” and calls Simon, ‘sassy’. We learn Simon never had school chums and then Patrick hugs everyone promising to return. Thankfully with this perhaps being the last season, this something we need not dwell over.
Next up, I’ll call them The Montage Girls. Several female contestants flash across the television, nameless, brief snippets of their faces, songs and one or two bust shots. It’s like, yadda, yadda, girls who all sing alike, moving on…
I was mildly entertained by the next contestant, Amadeus DiRocco, seemingly a surrogate cousin to fictional Tony Soprano. He sings Muddy Waters’ “Hootchie Kootchie Man” and tells all the judging panel who profess to love him, he ‘doesn’t feel any need to be mean to people unless they deserve it’. Regarding the man’s singing, all I’m saying is this may have ran through the minds of Kara and company:
Some psycho trending guy up next, Derek something or other. We get a hokey preview of this guy with his blonde locks blowing in the wind in close-up, then he stops and smells the geraniums. Self-described as Chris Brown meets The Eagles, he likes how Brown ‘touches kids all over the world’. “Touches” – good one. He has some sort of mulitple personality singing disorder going on possibly, so we won’t pick on any of them.
Following Derek’s departure about twenty cast-offs featured, all crying tears of disbelief and self-delusional disappointment for not making it through. Totally worth the five to ten minutes of footage.
Odd Kimono Making Girl, another contestant tilted off the even keel of The Big Real by too much video games and Anime’. Janis Joplin absolutely dies again as Kimono Girl shrieks out “Piece of My Heart”. Another one bites the dust and heads for the psychiatric couch.
Next The Boy Band Montage. Luke Shaffer, Benjamin Bright, quickie moments in which they demonstrate their proficiency in sticking to the beat and notes and abilities to sound like most boy band singers in the world. And yes, they go through.
Following The Boy Band Montage, one of my favorites of the night for his Bizarro-Land-ness. Resembling Colin Meloy via hairstyle and geeky eyeglass frames but possessing none of the Meloy charm, Andrew Findley (sp?) enters the judging room. His entire schtick from the smart-ass commentaries to the judges, his look, his banter with Kara who said he needed a spanking, read like some sick script gone bad. Hilarious exit designed to communicate Andrew felt some sort of positive hormonal interest from the experience.
Ashley Rodriguez, a Berkley music major who shows a marked resemblance to certain Sunny family members, sang an Alicia Keys tune. And yes, she went through.
Tyler Grady fell out of tree, no background on why he was up a tree, but he broke both arms and was apparently a struggling drummer boy. He selects the cheesy “Let’s Get It On”… rocks a throw back Jim Morrison-skinny-guy-in-jeans-and-moppy-hair look. They send him out with The Stones, “Jumping Jack Flash” playing, pre-casting him as the show’s up and coming ‘rocker guy’. (Until someone better comes along.)
More scenes of unnamed and unannounced contestants ensue waving and jumping around with yellow tickets. This segued after about seventy commercials into a series of horrible auditions culminating with Lisa Waitress-Chick getting her ‘moment’ but from attributes that had nothing to do with singing. We do get a prolonged exit fully featuring her best asset.
Codzilla Boat guy rambled for way too many minutes then sang a rather horrible rendition of “Yesterday” but they let him through anyway. Likely to get that Codzilla boat ride out in the ‘ha’bor’…
Once again, seventy more commercials flash by until we viewers meet Portugese chick, Katy Stevens, who loves her Alsheimers stricken Grandmother. Sad story about how Granny may not remember her much longer, tears ensue and she sings to Grandmother at the kitchen table for the producers. She’s put through because she’s OMG only sixteen and has a great story. Surely viewers will want to see more of her dear Grandmother crying in the audience.
Joshua Blaylock who looks a bit like Rickey Martin, although keep in mind I was not wearing my glasses, was put through even though poor Joshua possesses one of those voices that sound as if he’s sucked helium, sort of like this man’s voice: (not in English but you get the idea).
The next parade of rejects had Long-haired Clueless Dude, what appeared to be William Hung’s brother and some Cowboy Bob guy. The show followed these stellar personalities with Hot Guy With a Sad Story, a cancer survivor who sings a bit like George Michael. “A bit” being gracious on my part, I mean, he DID have a sad story.
Norberto Guerrerro looked ready for Latino Drag Queen Night and as Simon so eloquently put it, ‘sang like a three year old girl looking like LaToya Jackson”, joined the reject pile. Bosa, a sweet natured boring Nigerian guy is put through, but barely. Last but not least, Leah Laurenti. She gets a nice little feature segment and sang “Blue Skies”, unanimously sailing through.