A.I. 8: Are We There Yet?

That’s how I felt watching last night. What an interminably long season this has seemed, yet we still have three more to kill vote off before Adam gLambert wins season eight. Even with Ryan’s peppy deliveries, the judges’ overly dramatic (see Kara dioTardi) verbal spewing and Egomaniac Jamie Foxx and his in-your-face coaching the evening, (was it only an hour?) toiled on. Thank all that is good and Science Fiction my Walter and “Fringe” is up next.

Kris Allen had a decent meet and greet session with Jamie Foxx who put on his acting shoes promising Kris they were cutting a record based on “The Way You Look Tonight”. Foxx, who comes from this area of Texas can act, seen it in his movies and we certainly are seeing it here. Plus with his recent verbal diarrhea shot at little Miley Cyrus he is obviously working to increase his public approval ratings. He’s already feeling the side-effect of his actions by Billy Ray’s kid; you know ‘Miley Cyrus can make or achy break you’.

Kris accompanied by a boisterous big band sound came out crooning making the Tweenie fans in the audience scream. I complete don’t understand any of that whole ‘heartthrob’ thing being put on him. Some things I am simply not meant to understand and I’m okay with that.

Randy had to elaborate how his opinion was what he personally thought; considerate since likely a huge majority of avid viewers might need that definition. Bo-Bo claimed it was Kris’ best effort ‘to date’.

Kara waved her arms excitedly praising Kris’ technical standards and impeccable phrasing giving him ‘the Dark Horse’ title, trotting out yet another cliche. The Kentucky Derby runs this weekend by the way – if anyone cares.

Paula cougar roared about his boy-next-door morphing into Sophisticated Gentleman (he was wearing a suit, after all).

Simon brought the real with calling his performance ‘wet’ which I interpreted as “all wet”.

Allison Iraheta pleased me with having her hair two-toned red and black and she wore the most adorable fluffy black and white skirted dress. I think I saw that same dress at White House | Black Market last week. Her “Someone to Watch Over Me” sang ala Patsy Cline, was good but she needed more something-something to carry her further in this competition – especially in light of all the fan fraus and tweenies who will be dialing tonight.

Randy, whom I’ll refer to as Yo-Yo-Yo, babbled something about her age being “mad young”, credible considering she’s just turned 17 apparently this week.

Kara proving she’s reading all her negative press, obviously shooting for some sort of Good Witch of the North thing told Alli all sorts of good crap.

Paula said something misty-eyed like Allison’s delivery was ‘tender and alluring’.

Simon again put the crowd back on planet Earth telling the girl he thought she was in trouble this week. Considering how often she has sat in the bottom three, this season, that didn’t take a man making more money imaginable by being an ass to come up with.

Matt Giraud has also been reading his press and likely seen the caricature up at the VFTW site. I did not think anyone could wear their hats that low and not have them fall completely into their face. Matt’s began his game of hide the mole on his fce and succeeded last night in his endeavor. “My Funny Valentine” his song selection and he worked that song in his best Jazz class styling and pointed out how he pulled a ‘B’ in Jazz class in college. He tried to impart his best tonal and melodic techniques but came out sounding more I-work-in-a-piano bar than anything. VFTW curse may take effect tonight and send him home. I know I want to.

Yo-Yo-Yo called him pitchy, I called him a melismatic mess. (Is that a word?)

Kara, with her mind still on Matt’s ‘charms’ said he was ’stiff’. Likely the way she prefers to imagine…

Paula gushed how she loved it, felt it and it was excellent. She has a far better imagination than I do.

Simon went South on me and called it the most believable performance of the night.

Perhaps I’m just in a mood but I didn’t like it.

Hokey-Gokey did his time with The Foxx looking almost attractive, the whole partial beard thing, the appearance he just wandered out of bed wasn’t… bad. Ego Foxx was feeling ‘it’ too and was all ‘up in his grill’. Seriously who thought of that term associated with a person’s mouth? The moment was broken, for me when Hokey came out to perform with his trademark goggles and sculpted goatee. He actually sounded much better than he has this entire season last night. That or his initial appearance was still hanging on my hormonal levels. The tune started a little too softly but his build was impressive. I really dug the trombone entry. He ignited the fan kids in the Tard pit into a screaming frenzy. Naturally, he made it was obvious he thought he deserved all that love.
Oh by the way he performed “Come Rain or Come Shine”:

Yo-Yo-Yo yapped hip and faked his way by saying he could hear Hokey being able to actually make an album of standards. Basically calling him Michael Buble’.

Kara fully steamy gave a shout out to his “Rat Pack Swagger”, deemed him most creative in arrangement, blah, blah, blah. Hate her.

Paula heaped on her Pauler-Love calling him ’stellar’ and heading for the Finish Line.

Simon praised Rickey and the band and actually agreed with Kara (traitor!) that Hokey was swaggering. Here I was thinking it was a singing competition not the Swagger Awards. Stupid me.

Finally, finally, finally saving the best for last, Adam gLambert looking smoking hot in a white satiny suit and black shirt gave the show something to feel good about selecting the tune, “Feeling Good”. Adored his moments with Ego Foxx, so much man hugging – love it when men are all over each other like that. Foxx was amazed that gLambert wasn’t intimidated by him, saying “You don’t care who I am at all!”. Love Adam for that, Ego was needed a reality check.

Adam entered his performance by regally sashaying down that pink lighted staircase as only he could have, all blue lights and sparkle. Full of brazen campy greatness, Adam strutted his stuff and made me wish I were a man. Just for a short while. He was beautiful- I love how he just throws back and lets it wail.

Yo-Yo-Yo admitted he sounded like a broken record, much like his sidekick Kara.

Kara was momentarily stunned which, thankfully, curtailed much of her overly lengthy blathering we’ve come to detest.

Paula beamed how gLambert was like Michael Phelps in the Olympics. Not really, but okay, we’ll take that comment and add nothing more here…

Simon, begging to pop out with more Gay humor, says with the winning sound bite of the evening something to the effect how Adam is theatrical is like cows moo. Or something. The randomness of that comparison: cows mooing and theatrics, wins.

Best thing about Adam, he completely knocked the wrongness of my brief hormonal surge over Hokey looking ‘dirtied up’ out of my system, sang he and everyone else completely off the stage.

Down to four tonight and the Mack Daddy will be on to sing, “Seven Mile Breakdown”. Big Yay all around. I pick Matt to go home, my personal choice.

Disco Night on Idol, No Disco Duck: Fail

I was not expecting anything in the way of actual good listening music and I was right. I was disappointed no one did Disco Duck (I kid). Nobody even wore a John Travolta suit. Maybe the group sing tonight?

Last night opened with Lil Rounds. Her hair gets longer each week. Like one of those Chrissie dolls whose hair keeps rolling out of her head with a twist of a button. Lil pulled a nice little karaoke outing with “I’m Every Woman”. Lil’s sadly missing the point, the show’s evolved – you are never ever to perform the song the way it originally was done. That’s so season four. Randy the Bo-Bo must have gotten worked up over those Lil rounds, he went right into “Party started!” shouting. Kara set Lil up for a lil let down with initially presenting she might actually say something nice. She opened with ‘we’ve been waiting for you to do an artist like this’ then went for the kill complete with bitchface, ‘this just wasn’t worth the wait’. Pauler pointed out Lil had been a lil sick, Simon did not give a care, copycatting his last week comment to her being a… copycat.

Kris Allen did his best Jason Castro impersonation. Tie some dreads on and wallah – you get the picture. Kris Castro-ised, Donna Summers “She Works Hard for Her Money”. Natch the judges wanted to praise him as they’ve planned him to be one of the top four all along. Certainly the American voting public won’t thwart their plans if they play their comments right; transparent as glass. Kara seems stuck on the whole, ‘ready to make a record’ thing. You know I read she’s got her claws into Castro right now. Pauler insulted Carlos Santana saying she heard that in Kris’ song. To that end, Darling Daughter had said, “It sounds like a Mexican song” meaning night at El Chico perhaps. Simon must have been bonused prior to show time, he gave Castro 2.0 good marks. Randy, who the Hell knows what he said. Or cares.

We had a lot of fun with Hokey Gokey last night. He was incredibly funny, made us all laugh even my Darling Daughter – in fact she laughed first. A nice sip of merlot completely left my mouth. Hate to waste good wine. The Hokster picked Earth, Wind and Fire’s “September”. Stuck to the same version as original and was more than a lil karaoke. He skipped about on the stage with an occasional lurching movement (that’s what ended that sip of wine) looking earnest and sincere. Daughter asked if this was some sort of graduation song? How her mind works I have no clue. Oh, wait I do. Kara rambled incoherently about Simon wearing a plaid shirt blah blah, Pauler was by now slipping into the drugs and complimented Hokey’s range. Range? Right. Last night the range went into screech. Simon thankfully brought some real and told Hoke, nope, no star presence, brought notice to the awkward. Finally.

“Hot Stuff” young Allison Iraheta came out bringing her version of disco which of course sounded rock because, well she is this season’s designated rocker. Randy tried to act like Simon but was massive Fail calling this performance ‘over-indulgent’ then reverting back to Bo-Bo shouted out “You’re the best singer in this competition!”. Dawg, What? Anyway, Pauler called her edgy, Simon called her the brilliant Underdog. Go Allison.

Adam gLambert brought the soul to “If I Can’t Have You”, slowing it down, wearing his hot Elvis hair and a shiny lovely suit. He loves that blue lighting – it works, hey if it’s not broke…Love when Pauler’s moved to tears, she gave him a standing O, Randy said he was Major League, (he forgot Adam is not a sports enthusiast) Kara was inspired, Simon went with the Gay joke saying he’d have bet $10K Adam would have picked Donna Summers. He also added Adam’s vocals were immaculate. Spot on, Simon.
Adam Lambert “If I Can’t Have You” sadly this is a still but good sound. Damn show keeps killing off the good vids.

Matt G. aka Justin Timberlake light did “Staying Alive”. I was thinking, dude you need that white suit and the moves to pull this off! He wasn’t bad, Matt has a nice sounding voice, but the best part was the lyrics were really hysterical, “I’m going nowhere, somebody help me!”. Perfect song for Matt. Subliminal cry for help, but will it save him? Randy the Bo-Bo hated the song choice, the subliminals flew right by Bo-Bo. Kara was wetting her pants praising him. Matt, seriously dude, hear the Cougar roar. Pauler yapped about bowling. Simon, hating himself for letting the others talk him into saving Matt hated it.

Anooop! wore a lovely gray suit with pink shirt and striped tie. He also grew some facial hair that made him much more masculine. I suppose that’s what he was going for. He picked a dull and boring song called “Dim the Lights”. I think this song might dim the lights for Anooop! if it wasn’t for his very active and energetic fans. Kara thought it was radio friendly, by the way she was licking her lips her inner cougar wanted to pounce. Pauler’s cougar radar was peaked – Anooop!’s flashing uber white teeth caught her attention. She likes shiny things too I see. Simon brought everyone back from the gleaming charms of this new Anooop! calling him mediocre at best. Translation, Simon is ready for him to go.

Chances are tonight will see Lil and toss up between Anooop! and Matt say goodbye I would completely be surprised if Kris went but not unhappy. Only one Jason Castro should advance to top four and he was last season. Hokey should hit bottom three if there is any form of fair play on this show.

Little Archies’ back tonight. Later.

A.I. 8: Baby Pics and The Standing O

It’s contestant baby picture week which means time to do another old song yet somehow make it sound new, add baby pictures. It’s pick a song from the year you were born or some shit, with the show now shortened to an hour long format. “Fringe” (YAY) returns tonight and in honor of that moment the cameras flash to a creepy guy from the show. Damn, wish they’d brought Walter. I have big love for Walter. Creepy guy is present, “in-character”; still and unmoving like the cyborg-like being he represents in the show. Honestly he looks like that lead guy in The Blue Man group without the blue.

Anyway the show blasts through nearly ten minutes of baby pictures with Kara dioTardi winning Most Ugly Baby; Ryan inspirationally quipped Kara looked like she just made poopy. Like he should talk considering his infant pic resembled a strawberry blonde buck-toothed bunny. Yes, only if they were as darling as I was.

Hokey-Gokey was a flat nosed little yipper. Interestingly in most of his pre-performance footage he’s without those specs. Surely they’re not just a show prop? Of course we get to hear how his Pop promoted his singing right out of the damn cradle, growing up with “Son you can sing!” engendering his deeply rooted sense of entitlement from birth. Hokey bored me into checking the channel roster while he was warbling, anything to get away from his flat goggled face. He did “Stand By Me”, Mickey Gilley version. (Once again referencing country genre artists. Pandering much?) My Darling Daughter said, Wow, for some reason it sounds like he’s doing a Christmas song.” (No she was never dropped on her head as a babe.) I think she received that impression from the drawn out manner he performed the song. That brings me to another point, this guy can’t perform, period. I’ve read comparisons to he being like Taylor Hicks, but man, Taylor brought the house down when he was playing in this Idol game. Hokey just manages to stagger around disjointedly making squinty faces. His vocals were flat in parts and just “meh” at best.

dioTardi told Hokey he “killed it”, Pauler outright lied and said Hokey set the bar so high tonight (obviously she wasn’t yet) who the hell remembers what Randy the Bo-Bo said, and Simon mumbled about lazy and slumped in his chair. I think he’s actually tired of trying to appear he’s pimping Hokey. The show might have to give him another bonus to keep it up.

Kris Allen was up next, I noticed “Fringe” guy was seated next to his wifey. She was giving her very best High School beauty queen smiles and claps. Kris had some story about taking a day off to go ride a ferris wheel and getting treated to a freebie (ferris wheel ride, a-hem) for knowing Adam gLambert by the fanboy ferris wheel guy. Kris obviously envious of Matt’s hanging in the Tard pit last week positioned himself down in and amongst the out of beat clapping tweenies. He was born in 1985, selected “All She Wants To Do Is Dance” ala Don Henley. I liked the addition of the horns, gave it a jazzed up feel. Kris seriously needs to Nair his upper lip and cheeks because, man there’s not going to be any facial hair coming out from his face for a few more years if ever. It looks like those boys in high school just starting out shaving who’d let their hair nubs grow just a bit to let the chickies know yes, puberty is on! He sang the song well but he certainly wasn’t mesmerizing to watch.

Judges weren’t falling all over Kris, with Simon calling it like it was with “boring” being the most apt descriptor.

Lil Rounds once again brought up her name, it really is spelled L-i-l. That and someone in kindergarten or some shit said that her name begged to be up in lights. You know, as in a marquis someplace. Tragically Lil decided on a Tina Turner tune, “What’s Love Got to do With It”. (1984) Apparently adding to the tragedy that was L-i-l last night, she sat and watched videos of Tina doing that song and had even the Turner moves down pat. It was more than karaoke with bad pronunciation, it was a skeery example of how life should never imitate art, or artists for that matter.

Pauler went with ‘you look hot’, Randy said something about “mad, mad, you look hot” and “Mary J. Blige” (hate to break it to you Bo-Bo but no Mary J. in ‘84), dioTardi with complete originality said it wasn’t the right song, Simon had the best sound bite calling it a “ghastly copycat”.

Anooop! came out apologizing about talking back last week, claimed he wasn’t himself, blah, blah. He was a cute baby and being an only child his beaming, proud parents financially supported the photo album market. Born in 1986 he went with Lauper’s “True Colors” and unfortunately sounded the same as he has every other week. He’s not a good performer, sings expressionless which is a surprise considering all his experience in the UNC boy band. I guess hanging with the boys on-stage more conducive to showing off than handling the stage on his own. His vocals were good, he’s got a nice voice, but he’s boring. Randy congratulated him on the Tarheels achievement, dioTardi said the song controlled him, Paula said something about a rainbow and Simon called him a singing Yo Yo. (Another check in the Sound Bite column for Simon.)

Scott MacIntyre wins the cutest baby award. He was an absolutely gorgeous little bundle of love, actually could compete alongside me as poster child for Damn Cute. Scott was even cuter than this puppy who is wearing a toilet paper roll on his leg.With Megan Joy flown the coop, Scott brought his “A” game for next Worster contestant pulling all stops. He dressed in black rocker/biker gear complete with a black guitar that he noisily hit the strings now and again. Had his hair donned up like a true ’80’s rock stah performing Survivor’s “The Search is Over”. Scott was flat in parts and provided some awesome off-key warbling complete with a jacked-up falsetto that had me writing Dave to pick him, man, he earned it! Brilliant strategy since we all know he’s not winning this thing. Importantly Scott went with his quirky humor and decided to pull a Bon Jovi – “Blaze of Glory”. Much love for Scott, and much increased respect. I gave him a standing O.

As far as the judges comments, they can suck it.

Allison Iraheta was a cute little tot and she lets us know she’d had singing lessons and it shows, pulling off Bonnie Riatt’s “I Can’t Make You Love Me”. Not one of my favorite songs but she made it work. Man, this gal finds the most interesting things to wear, her skirt looked like some sort of cowgirl gladiator apparel. Loved it. She was the best of the night so far and if she lands in the B3 again on that ‘familiar chair’ those idiots power voting for the likes of Hokey need to have their phone options canceled.

Judges liked her but Simon had to comment that perhaps the voters just don’t know who she is and not that popular, prompting her to ask in a quiet voice, “So nobody likes me?”. Shame on you Ameerika! Voting just for the erroneously perceived ‘cute guys’; Word, they’re not gonna date you. Kara wanting to sound cool yelped something about ‘let’s go make a record!’. Like she’s going to fund that project. *insert eyeroll*

Matt G came out in his Justin Timberlake outfit and did 1985’s “Part-Time Lover” likely a tribute to departed Alexis according to the rumor mill. His opening segment was ridiculously cheesy. Apparently Matt was one of those bossy diva kids – film footage showed Matt glaring and throwing his weight around (all 75 pounds) while wearing his angel white in his role as head angel in a school production. Sad thing, he seemed obnoxiously proud of that moment as he recounted how he had 72 lines (!!!). Yes, Matt that’s your defining moment of why you should be famous. I will be nice to Matt for a moment, he has a sort of an Al Jarreau thing going on with his vocals.

Best judge comment, Pauler, showing that even while heavily drugged can count better than dioTardi, she said to Matt, “Two Words, Standing O.”

And now for the guy who’s likely to win the whole enchilada: Adam Lambert. He’s candidate for next Cutest Baby, loved his introduction, as if we needed to guess, he wasn’t much into sports and preferred to play dress up. With Capes. Doesn’t get any better than capes, well except masks. Uber great dress up combo, capes plus masks. Adam was born in 1982, selects “Mad World” by Tears for Fears one of my fave 80’s bands. Adam’s genius shines through as he while seated, performed the tune in an uber controlled styling with just blue light filling the stage. Can’t tell I like Adam one bit now can you, dear readers?

First time in the history of this show, Simon Cowell gives a standing ovation. Enough said.